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Musician Jokes
by Phil Houseal
July 12, 2006
Musicians are an insecure lot. Each night they crawl up on stage and lay bare their souls. Not only must they entertain an audience, they must impress their peers, or at least not mess up that A minor 6th chord.
So they cope with this stress in a way any normal person would: they make merciless fun of each other.
Even if you do not make your living playing music, you might empathize with these musician jokes I've heard uttered backstage over the years.
Q: What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?
A: No one cries when you chop up an oboe.
Q: What's the difference between a guitar player and a bag of garbage?
A: The garbage gets taken out at least once a week.
Q: How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn?
A: Stick your hand in the bell and play all the wrong notes.
Q: What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead trombonist in the road?
A: Skid marks in front of the snake.
Q: What's the difference between a violist and a dog?
A: The dog knows when to stop scratching.
Q: Why do bagpipers walk while playing?
A: To get away from the sound.
As you can tell, no instrument or musician is safe. But in the world of music, there is a pecking order. Somewhere near the bottom - just beneath violists - sit the drummers.
Q: Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
A: So you don't have to retrain the drummers.
Q: What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians?
A: A drummer.
Q: What did the drummer get on his IQ test?
A: Drool.
Q: How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
A: The knock always slows down.
Q: How do you get a drummer off of your front porch?
A: Pay for the pizza.
Q: What do you call a drummer who breaks up with his girlfriend?
A: Homeless
Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on a drummer's arm?
A: A tattoo.
And then there are these...
Q: What happens if you play the blues music backwards?
A: Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.
Q: What's the difference between a puppy and a singer-songwriter?
A: Eventually the puppy stops whining.
Q: What's the difference between a musician and a savings bond?
A: One of them eventually matures and earns money.
There you have it.
I must end on a positive - or at least augmented - note. Musicians do not deserve the abuse and derision. They are doing what they love to do, in spite of the challenges and low pay. So I leave you with one final musician riddle:
Q: What would a musician do if he won a million dollars?
A: Continue to play gigs until the money ran out.
XXX