'Tis a motley bunch of musicians who create the signature sound of the Polkamatics. The ad hoc band inflicts its music on the community only once a year during Oktoberfest. Photo by Phil Houseal

Details:
Since the Polkamatics only play Oktoberfest, there is no reason to contact them. But if anyone needs PA equipment, call Bill at 997-8505.

webmaster: phil@fullhouseproductions.net

Polkamatics

by Phil Houseal
Nov 8, 2006

"We don't practice.
We don't play any place that doesn't serve beer.
We don't wear leather pants."

So goes the credo of the Polkamatics, a Fredericksburg "band" that gets together only one time a year to play for Oktoberfest.

Formed of remnants of assorted local musical entities (such as the We'd Rather Not Be Marching Band and the B.S. Band), the Polkamatics helped close out (fittingly) this year's Oktoberfest.

When Bill Smallwood, de facto leader of the group ("I own the sound system") introduced the group, he noted with pride that "Our members are conscious of our rules."

"We're conscious?" someone yelled from the tuba section.

I had the pleasure of sitting in with the group ("Hey, can you come play... we need all the help we can get") this year.

It was an interesting experience.

We were well into our first half-hour polka medley and the audience was still there, though they sat with jaws agape and brows knitted. You see, the brilliance of the Polkamatics approach to music is not immediately evident to first-time listeners.

For one thing, every song begins and ends with a lengthy, spirited drum cadence. Lengthy, because it allows time for band members to find the music (or in some cases, pass the music down to the trombone section); spirited, because the band boasts two drummers. They used to have three.

"We apologize for our rhythm being off tonight, but we lost our conductor and one of our drummers this year. Otherwise, we are out of excuses."

The repertoire is wide-ranging. The first set included both "Hey Good Looking" and the "She's Too Fat Polka."

"We always like to announce the names of our songs first, in case someone knows these and might not recognize them."

The band is so large - it seemed to fluctuate between 16 and 19 players during the gig - that members can take bathroom breaks in shifts without the band having to stop playing, or the audience noticing.

The frequent trips to the bathroom might be a result of the constant traffic between the bandstand and the bar. Midway through the set, it looked like an anthill, as fans shuttled frosty beverages from the taps to the lips of thirsty horn players.

Yes, there are fans. Their reaction to a Polkamatics concert is akin to watching a car accident - discomforting, but you just can't look away.

Eventually, they seemed to get it. A few even danced, though keeping their distance from the bandstand. One brave couple came up and asked if the Polkamatics had a CD.

"Are you kidding? Who'd record this stuff?"

The show turned out to be the perfect way to close out Oktoberfest. The band ended most of the numbers at the same time and in the same key, and when we ran out of songs, no one minded (or realized) that we repeated the first half-hour.

"We've had many requests, but we are going to keep playing anyway."

If you are skeptical of this account, just show up next year and hear the Polkamatics for yourself.

Just look for the band that's not wearing leather pants (and pray that they are wearing some sort of pants).

"By the way... how do you think this Oktoberfest thing is working out? Maybe they ought to try it again next year."

XXX