Judging by the actual titles of many actual songs, the path to true love is strewn with danger - yet something we dare to celebrate every Valentine’s Day. Photo and props provided by Brian Crawford, Manager, Fitness First Sports.

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If the Phone Doesn’t Ring, It’s Me

(... and other love songs)

by Phil Houseal
Feb 10, 2010

It’s Valentine’s Day! That time of year when you are either depressed because you have no special someone, or stressed because you do.

Right after flowers and chocolates, the way to say “I love you” is through music. By request, here are some actual songs that will get you in the spirit of this hallmark holiday, no matter on which corner of the love triangle you are impaled.

The most interesting song titles go down the road of good love gone bad:

She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger

...or...

She Got the Gold Mine and I Got the Shaft

Some take a more bitter path:

You’re the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

If the Phone Doesn’t Ring, It’s Me

I’m Sorry I Made You Cry, But At Least Your Face Is Cleaner

And some travel completely round the bend:

I Knew She Really Missed Me When The Ashtray Flew Past My Head

Of course most of these laments are from the man’s point of view. Women also have their perspective:

All the Guys Who Turn Me On Turn Me Down

I Shaved My Legs for This?

In other songs, gender is ambiguous:

I Wish I Were a Woman (So I Could Go Out With a Guy Like Me)

Ambiguity rises in other ways:

I Don’t Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling

...and the oddly disturbing...

I'm My Own Grandpa

Of course, the flip side of love is hate. With hate, comes violence. With violence, comes awesome song titles:

I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim’s Gettin’ Better

Mama Get The Hammer (There’s A Fly On Papa’s Head)

If You Can’t Live Without Me, Why Aren’t You Dead Yet?

Again, Rue-de-Violence is a two-way street:

I Gave Her My Heart And a Diamond And She Clubbed Me With a Spade

But while love seldom ends happily ever after; justice always prevails:

If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I’d Be Out By Now

I Can't Go to the Prison Dance 'Cause They're Hanging Me Tonight

In the end, males really have no clue what makes a female’s eyes light up and pulse palpitate. To wit:

If Whiskey Were A Woman, I’d Be Married For Sure

I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well

Her Teeth were Stained, but Her Heart was Pure

I’m So Miserable Without You, It’s Like Having You Here

If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I’d Blow It All On You

I Want to Check You for Ticks

And finally, what should be the national anthem for Men Without A Clue:

My Wife Ran off With My Best Friend... and I Sure Do Miss Him