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Hypocrite that I am, you can find Full House on Facebook by clicking the links below.

 

 



webmaster: phil@fullhouseproductions.net

The Faces of Facebook

by Phil Houseal
Dec 14, 2011

 

If you are not familiar with Facebook - that online electronic coffee klatsch - you can skip this column and move on to the movie reviews. If you are a fan of Facebook - as am I - you probably won’t appreciate this, either.

Like an obsessive-compulsive hoarder, I have categorized people who post on Facebook. These are not flattering (which is what makes this fun). And let it be known, I am guilty of many of these posting infractions, so you can add “hypocrite” to my list.

Re-posters
IF YOU LOVE YOUR DOG MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF, RE-POST THIS ON YOUR STATUS!
Not only are these insipid and obvious, they add insult by asking us to copy and paste them to annoy all of our friends. And if you re-post a clever joke or photo, don’t you know 10,000 others already have sent - and seen - it!

Re-quoters
These people plaster daily quotes, usually from obscure middle-eastern 14th century poets, as if the writer’s “depth” will rub off on them.

Lyric Listers
Simply lyrics from some song. Usually commented upon with “so true.”

Birthday Bromides
OK, people. It is someone’s birthday everyday! Do you really need to clutter up their wall with “happy birthday!!!!” or the awful “hope you have a good one!”

Chore Listers
Woke up. Got out of bed. Dragged a comb across my head.
I don’t care what you cooked for lunch or that you dread facing that pile of laundry. Get off Facebook and get busy.

Meal Planners
A litany of what you ate, usually with closeup picture of the plate. Yum.

Event Pushers
I appreciate that you are having an event to support left-handed amnesiacs. I just don’t need to see it in my newsfeed five times a day every day for three weeks leading up to it.

Self-Promoters
Usual offenders here are musicians. They list every gig, CD release, new song, and inspiration. You ruined MySpace, don’t ruin Facebook.

YouTube-ologists
Loners who troll YouTube all night, posting links to clips from old commercials, comedy routines, or blues musicians. For some reason, they have assumed responsibility for your cultural erudition.

Randomizers
Posters who think obscure phrases = cleverness.
“The curtain is dead”
“You are it”
“Ummmmmmm”
are some of their gems. I usually respond, “Blocked.”

Self-Absorbed
They use Facebook as their personal psychoanalyst. Sharing in great detail their personal state, from chronicling dreams to bowel movements. More scary are the number of people who respond with empathy and advice.

Needy
These folks post purposefully vague statuses such as “why do you hurt me” or “well, good riddance.” Causing a stream of comments “What happened?” or “text me.” If you want to share, SHARE! Or shut up.

Mood Ringers
“Today was a good day.”
“Today was a bad day.”
“Can’t wait until Saturday.”

Weather Reporters
“Rain!”
“Cold!”
“Sunny!”
“More rain!”

Political Ax Grinders
Do I even need to point these people out? They waste everyone’s time. Those who agree with your political point of view have already seen it. Those who don’t agree, never will.

Joke Sharers
These used to come over the fax machines - mildly offensive cartoons and doctored photos with mildly funny captions like “Where plumbers put their pencils.” Shouldn’t electrons have better uses than carrying these messages across the universe?

Tour Guides
Trip chroniclers could be fascinating, if not for insipid updates that you are in the ATL airport or just checked in to the Beijing Starbucks.

No matter the medium, we are still saying the same unoriginal, unstimulating, unthoughtful, oppressive things we did with fax, CB, mimeographs, and postings on office doors.

Marshall McLuhan, you were wrong. The medium is not the message.

Sometimes it’s just a mess.